"We need more sluts"

Only in this business can you go to your Monday morning business meeting and hear this phrase.


















I guess if you worked at a brothel.

The general manager of the club said this when referring to the fact that he noticed the bottle service clients weren't getting laid. So if you or someone you know is whoring it up around town, please get in touch with me. Apparently my clientele skews too classy.

Xmas in Hollywood

The promoting team and I did a one-off promoting gig at Playhouse on Christmas Day. You would have thought people would stay in on this of all days but you'd be wrong. Not only was it packed but notorious nightowl and former UFC champ Chuck Liddell was in the house. So you could say I had a very Hallmark Christmas - 72 degrees outside and hanging out in bottle service with The Iceman. Can't help but think it's what Jesus would have wanted.

I love when my east coast friends visit and they say about LA weather "Yeah but I like seasons." I like seasons too....that's why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.

HDNet Filming

My promoting partners and I just filmed a special for HDNet about the Top Ten Party Cities in America. It went really well and we can't wait for the airing. Pictures and videos will be uploaded soon....stay tuned.

Translating Bouncer Speak

“We’re at capacity”
The place is empty but you rolled up with 3 dudes. (My favorite part of this one is a minute after saying this stretch hummer of 20 girls will roll up and walk right in)

“It’s a private party tonight”
By private I mean it excludes fat chicks.

“I don’t see you on the list”
You’re ugly and I’m hoping dumb enough to not realize there isn’t actually a list in my hand

“That promoter isn’t here tonight”
I’m going to go yell at him for inviting you

“Who are you with?”
Ditch the guys who drove you here (And they will)

“That promoters list is closed”
To you

“Gimme a sec”
You’ll be out here all night. Save yourself some time and just go straight to Saddle Ranch.

There's a great movie called Bounce that takes this a step further and looks at the lives of bouncers in NY and LA.

NYE in LA

If you're planning on being in LA on New Year's Eve, I got all the info and best deals. Go to http://www.XanderEvents.blogspot.com to check out the events and email me at XanderAfterDark(at)gmail.com for tickets!

Life Cycle of a Hollywood Club – Pt 1

Generally a Hollywood club has a 2-3 year lifespan. There are some that go longer – Les Deux for example has had an almost 4 year run and counting – and some go much shorter (Apple Lounge got Ed Hardy-ed in less than a year). But in general this is how it goes:

A couple notes on this: 1) It might sound like this is about race but it’s really about social class and sometimes social class and race go together. 2) These are broad strokes…each tier bleeds into the other. Ok on to the show….

Tier 1: "You’re not on the list"

When a club from a proven owner opens up, it starts in Tier 1. It’s packed with 9’s and 10’s and there are hardly any guys except the promoters for most of the night (by the end it’s about 30% guys). 7’s get shot down at the door and go home to purge. There are a ton of paparazzi outside. Inside there is a heavy skew toward scantily clad white, blonde girls with big fake boobs and poofs in their hair.

When a club from a proven owner opens up, it starts in Tier 1. It’s packed with 9’s and 10’s and there are hardly any guys except the promoters for most of the night (by the end it’s about 30% guys). 7’s get shot down at the door and go home to purge. There are a ton of paparazzi outside. Inside there is a heavy skew toward scantily clad white, blonde girls with big fake boobs and poofs in their hair.

There are some celebrity sightings, most of whom have been paid to be there. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than to get past the door. The club gets press in Us Weekly and TMZ. They sell bottle service at exorbitant prices and still they make sure that the guys dropping $2,000 are good looking. Voyeur is currently a Tier 1 club.

Tier 2:"300"

Once the Persians know where the blonde hotties go they immediately start infiltrating. The door people form a Spartan like phalyx to hold off the invading Persian army. However the Tier 1 crowd has been frequenting the same club for months and ennui is setting in. Their burnout means the crowd gets lighter, loosening the door policy. Eventually they start selling bottle service to Persians, bankers, and guys who live at home with their parents and lease their car so they can buy bottles at the club. The girls are still really hot but they are more diverse and the ratio drops to about 55%-60% girls. Towards the end of this phase the club starts charging cover charge to guys but not girls. This practice is actually illegal.

Tier 3:

"Bridge and Tunnel"

Everyone in the club is from the valley (Burbank, Sherman Oaks, etc) or similarly far away places. We don’t actually have bridges and tunnels in LA so the equivalent are the hills that separate the valley from Hollywood and the Westside. Clientele are primarily Hispanic and Asian and the ratio is about 60% - 65% dudes. You’ll also start to see a lot more grinding as the preferred method of approach.Empire is currently a tier 3 club.

Stay tuned for Part 2 next week where I cover Tiers 4-6

You look....Haute

Just getting back from the soft opening of Haute, the new place occupying what was formerly Apple Lounge. The new décor is cool and the kitchen is huge. Like Apple, they have separated the lounge / dining area from the skanks-get-their-groove-on section. Didn’t get a look at the menu but I assume it will be typical skewers and sliders. By the way, just because you shrink a hamburger down and call it a slider doesn’t make it gourmet cuisine. I’ve never understood this.

Anyway this promising new spot will hopefully revitalize this interesting space in the heart of Boystown. More details to follow as the club gets its real opening.

Great Drake Line

"Shorty wanna party so don't let your girl up out the house,
Or there'll be shots on TMZ of me giving her mouth-to-mouth"

Bye Bye Bar Delux

Found out the Bar Delux is closing in Feb 2010 and will remodel to become a restaurant / lounge. There is no truth to the rumor that the club failed because it refused to let me in on opening night (can't a guy show up with his 2 buddies at midnight anymore?).

I heard the original name for Bar Delux was going to be "We Only Have Tables So Buy One or You'll Look Like a Huge Douche." I guess that wouldn't fit on the sign out front.

Irony

I'm hanging out at MI6 and strike up a conversation with a "blonde." Her roots are clearly showing and she has rather obvious long extensions. She's wearing a pound of make up, green contact lenses, and fake porn-star looking eyelashes. Her breast implants brush up against me periodically when one of us gets bumped. She's wearing 6 inch heels and confesses that she's only 5' tall. We're having a NY vs. LA discussion when she drops this gem.

"I hate how everyone in LA is so fake."

After staring at her blankly for a second, I walked away without saying goodbye.

Introduction

Xander: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Father: Go on

Xander: I’ve treated women poorly father

Father: Have you beat them?

Xander: No. But I have rated them 1-10 in my phone. And invited them to events based on that rating.

Father: Go on

Xander: I’ve fucked….sorry, I mean fornicated. I’ve fornicated with these women. In the clubs. In the bathroom at these clubs.

Father: Go on my son

Xander: I’ve insulted these women. I called them fat. I told them to take their ugly friend home and come back to the club. I may have called them a wildebeast and said that her open toed shoes looked like she was baking bread. I’ve called them a cougar and clawed them all night with my paw.

Father: You have much to confess

Xander: There’s more. I have discriminated against others based on their race.

Father: Oh my. How have you done this?

Xander: A Middle Eastern gentleman tried to get in my club. I denied him.

Father: I guess that’s not so bad.

Xander: And then I tried to explain to Ali Baba that he and his girlfriend could get in but his 40 thieves would need bottle service.

Father: That’s racist

Xander: There’s more father.

Father: Oh no

Xander: I have much to confess. Drinking in excess. Sex. Coveting. Adultery. Bearing false witness. Wearing Affliction. What should I do?

Father: What do you mean?

Xander: Hail Mary’s? Our Father’s?

Father: Huh? You know you’re in a bathroom stall right?

Xander: I don’t go to church, you’ve all I’ve got man!

Father: Um, I guess you could tip the bathroom attendant.

Xander: Then what?

Father: You could confess online. Like a blog or something

Xander: That’s a great idea father!

Father: Oh, and stop calling me father. It’s creepy.

Xander: You’ve got it. And one more thing.

Father: What?

Xander: Say Xander’s list at the door!