Help me help you

This is a phrase my friends and I use. What we mean by that is when you come to the club, I want to help you get in. In fact, that’s my job. I want the door guy to marvel at my ability to bring gorgeous girls to his venue. I want to walk out and have him say, “Nice work Xander, I have been standing here with a rod in my pants for the last 2 hours just staring at the prime trim you’ve brought out tonight. You are the Pied Piper of Poontang.”

And I want you to have a good time too. If I invited you out, chances are I’d like to hang out with you. If all goes well you have a good time, I get paid, we have some drinks, maybe hang out at our table, and everyone goes home happy (and hopefully with someone attractive).

But I can’t do it alone. You’ve got to work with me here.

That means if you say you are coming you don’t forget to mention that you are bringing 5 dudes with you.

That means you leave your 300 lb coworker with the overbite at home watching CSI reruns.

That means you don’t dress like you are going to 80’s night in Ecco Park.

Let me give you an analogy. Let’s say I want to hang out with you. So I call you up and you say great let’s hang out. And you add “Hey I’m going to my weekly Anti-immigration group meeting. Tonight’s topic is keeping Mexican midgets out of the country because they are taking all our good pro wrestling jobs." (Apparently you're an Orange County Republican). But regardless I agree to meet up with you.

On my way to meet you, I stop by and pick up my friend Chuy.



















As you can see, Chuy is Mexican. And a midget. But I like to keep Chuy around because he makes me feel better about myself. I mean, sure I might have the occasional premature ejaculation, but at least I’m not 4 ft tall right?

So Chuy and I show up just as you are discussing Luche Lubre. Now tell me, should I be surprised if you don’t seem happy to see us?

But Chuy is soooo fun I say. He had me cracking up the whole way over with tales of his midget life. Why do you have to be a dick about it? I just wanted to come hang out at your Anti-immigration rally and maybe enjoy some of the refreshments.

You see this is exactly what you are doing when you show up to club like this:













It’s actually worse because in my case you can actually get me fired. And promoting isn’t like working at Toyota where if you screw up, you sit down with HR and they write you up and discuss disciplinary actions for your excessive porn use at the office. Nope in my case I get fired on the spot. At worst I get fired. At best I’m going to be enduring weeks of “Hey can you keep your guest list under 2 tons tonight?” jokes.

So save the angry text messages. Save the questioning of my abilities as a promoter.

Side note: In general, questioning the credibility of a promoter is like questioning the table manners of a chimpanzee. Of course if you are reading a blog about the crooks, drug addicts, and bathroom blowjobers of the nightlife industry, you’d understandably expect the highest degree of journalistic integrity. Just had to get that out of the way for any blog tourists. :)

So in summary, help me help you get into the club. We all know that these places are in the business of bringing the most attractive women in and selling the chance to try to sleep with them to a few dudes in bottle service in a kind of high stakes mating ritual. Don’t be surprised when they don’t let you in if you aren’t bringing the goods and definitely don’t expect me to help you reverse this rather obvious and explicit requirement like I’m MLK marching on Washington for the overweight and unsexy. I don’t make the rules here, I just live by them.

So please….leave Chuy at home.